I have been married for six years and blessed with two beautiful kids. I have never liked being married, especially to my husband, don’t get me wrong, he is not a bad guy despite his short fallings but I don’t like being married to him because he is a MAN.
I first kissed a girl at seven, my cousin Bibi. We were crazy about each other and families didn’t suspect anything because we are age mates and have been best friends since we were little, they practically call us twins. We would kiss and make out in my room or in any privacy we could find.
Ours was a shameless one, Bibi would warn guys to stay away from me but everyone just saw her as being protective of me but she really was protecting me for herself. She is a clingy jealous person and soon I started to protest her over-shadowing me in everything and this really tore us apart even though we got back a few times. Let me just say our teenage years were more of doing love the wrong ways.
We had an epic fight which was because I had met a guy I liked at WAEC lesson and I was happy to tell Bibi about him. He was cute and intelligent, always helping with my assignments but she got furious and commanded me to stay away from him, of course, I didn’t, in fact, I flaunted the boy some more as I would invite him to family events and would be with him all through. Then one evening at the lesson someone ran in to call me saying in between breaths that Collins (my boyfriend) was fighting outside with Bibi. I came outside to see Bibi dragging him by his shirt, warning him to stay away from me. I took his side and told her off.
Later that week, I told Collins why Bibi is behaving the way she is, little did I know I was making a grave mistake as I didn’t just lose him afterwards but before long the story was everywhere. He told everyone and everyone told the others, before long it got to my school and not long my parents heard and it was chaotic.
Bibi suffered the biggest blunt as she was sent to a Catholic boarding school while my parents left me in my school to suffer the shame, I dreaded the rest of my secondary school days. Bibi didn’t deny being a lesbian to her parents and while her mom was furious, her father sent her to Canada to take her away from prying eyes and we never spoke again after that.
While I was at University here in Nigeria dating men just so I could blend in Bibi was living her full life abroad. Her Instagram and Facebook posts were about LGBTQI+ content with her dates and beautiful relationships. They broke my heart, I blocked and unblocked her severally, I thought of her every single moment and for a very long time, I was sad and depressed about what I did to her.
I was shocked when she sent me a message on my 22nd birthday “Happy birthday Cuz, have a good one” I read it more than a million times like it was an epistle. I replied, “Thank you, Love, I miss you”. That was all I could come up with after four hours of planning the right response. I was not expecting a response but she replied with a laughing emoji and “You chose your path Cuz, I’m sorry I was pressuring you to be with me then, we were kids and mistakes are normal at that age, heard you are about to get married, congratulations in advance” I was at the Bus stop when her reply came in, I stared hard at my phone. I may not like the response but it feels great talking to her after all these years, best of all I didn’t think she would ever talk to me again.
“Who tells you about me? Lol, he’s just a guy I’m seeing o, we are not talking about marriage yet but will let you know when that is in the plan”.
Little did I know that was the day my life was going to change as later that evening my boyfriend (now my husband) proposed at a surprise party and I couldn’t say no, my family and his were there so I said “Yes” because what else was there to say but “Yes”? even if it was a private proposal.
I did my best to present a happy bride on my wedding day but after a week it dawned on me how unhappy I was about to become.
I was so sad and couldn’t sleep for many days after my wedding because little by little I began to realise what being married to a man entails, I am now his and can’t have another not even a woman, even when it’s a woman I really wanted to spend eternity with but what can a girl do?
In my raging sadness, I reached out to Bibi one night hoping to have someone to share my new ordeals with.
“Hey Cuz, how are you doing? I need to talk to someone, are you free?” I was anxiously waiting for her response so I can relieve my heart weight to someone that would understand but her response was more of a shock than the pacifier I was hoping for. It was long but I read them all, many times.
“Hey you, I am okay and I think I know what you want to talk about: how you have realised you made a mistake by denying your feelings all these years and now you regret it? especially after marriage and you are reaching out to see if I would allow you to dump on me. My answer is NO Cuz, you can’t dump on me because I have my issues too and not looking to babysit anybody especially not someone who has been confused all their lives so this marriage is your choice and you have to suck it up and play your part in this drama you have created. But if that is not why you are reaching out then we can talk but if it is, I am tired of rescuing you from men, and definitely not from a HUSBAND”.
It broke my heart more than I thought she was capable of doing. I cried like I never have in my entire life but I didn’t respond because she was right and since then I decided to figure things out on my own.
My life was going on manageably, some days harder than others until I went to NYSC. I met amazing people in camp but most of all I met Fejiro. A stud with the finest smile and we became instant friends.
Fejiro took care of me in camp, literally and before I knew it I fell head over heels in love with her. She struggled with my marital status throughout camp but after we met at the same CDS and she realised I was not giving up on what we felt she decided to give us a chance.
The second week she didn’t show up for CDS and it worried me, I barely concentrated and called her phone non-stop but got no response. I was very anxious and couldn’t hide it to the point my husband noticed but I lied its stress from the CDS and nursing a baby. She called me back later that evening, and the relief I felt was unimaginable. Her apartment was taken over by EFCC for a case of fraud against her landlord and they had to move. I ended the call with a promise to call her back then almost flew to the room to speak to my husband about our empty BQ.
Being the gentleman he is he didn’t protest much, only worried that I might accuse him in future about having an affair with her.
“You don’t have to worry about that,” I said “She is a tomboy and I know that’s not your type” I jumped in excitement when he agreed like a child who just got a new toy. I had the same joy in my voice when I called Fejiro back to give her the good news but her response shocked me hard.
“I Can’t Love. I really appreciate the gesture but I am not one of those studs who live with their mistresses in their husband’s house,” I thought I would collapse from the shock but it was my phone that slipped instead. I guess I expected her to jump at the offer considering the urgency of the situation. Fejiro was adamant in her resolve to not live with me but I was only trying to help even if selfishly.
Our relationship took a downward turn over the next few weeks as she became withdrawn from me and even when we meet at CDS she would rather be with other people than with me, would refuse to ride with me in my car and rather ride with some other person headed her way or take a cab, I asked severally but she kept saying its nothing, she is just trying to familiarize with others.
By the second week it became obvious she was lying and I called her to meet up and talk, I was thrilled when she agreed to come to my house. I took extra care to prepare for her coming. Sent my older kid to school early, got the baby to a late nap so she can sleep through her stay and made a nice meal for the both of us. She had no difficulty finding my house as the estate is a small one. I saw the shock on her face when she walked into the compound.
“You didn’t tell me you live in a mansion” she teased as she walked in and the ensuing few minutes saw her walking around the exteriors and interiors with her mouth ajar. I was glad she liked my home and hoped it would convince her to take my offer.
We took the first few minutes to catch up before I dove into the conversation aching my heart.
“We were so close in camp, were always together, you admitted to having feelings for me but since we left camp you have been acting off, did I do anything wrong?”
“Is this because I refused to move into your BQ? Which by the way I didn’t know was this fine” She teased. Her joke brought down the tension in the room anyway.
“You refused to even come and check it out nah” I responded. We both laughed some more but I was anxious to get an answer and she saw through that.
“I no go lie to you, I like you because who wouldn’t, you be hot cake nah even after three kids” She paused then continued.
“I have been battling myself in starting a relationship with you because I am an out-of-the-closet lesbian, my family is aware of my sexuality and I have been living authentically for four years now and I can’t stop thinking of what being with someone who is still in the closet will do to my mental health” I started to feel out of breath but had to listen on anyway.
“You are married and no matter how much I try to get that out of my head I just can’t because I have plans for my life and the direction I am headed. I want to meet someone who wants the same things as me, we get married and find a way to navigate this homophobic county to have a life as quiet and peaceful as possible but with you, I can’t have that. I can’t go on dates with you or do things with you without feeling like I am hiding or still in the closet and I am not willing to lose that freedom for anybody because I know how much work I have had to put in the past four years to be where I am. I have been in self-conflict for a few days now and that is why it looks like I was avoiding you” She took a deep breath afterwards and looked at me questioningly.
“So you are saying you can’t be with me or you are trying to figure out if you can be with me?” I was fighting back the tears.
“I am saying that since we are coming from different margins of our sexualities I can’t do the hide-and-seek relationship because, for instance, I would want to post my dates with my girlfriend or move in with her at some point in the relationship but being with you will not allow me to do these things and I don’t and will never go back to the closet or live like I was still in one”
At this point I couldn’t hold my tears, how long will I keep losing people I love that love me because I chose my path, it was Bibi and now this one person I thought is going to be my calm.
I asked many questions which Fejiro answered. You see, Fejiro is one of those very informed LGBTQ persons in Nigeria, she attends events, conferences and even volunteers for an organisation so I understand now why my cousin couldn’t also play the back and forth with me back then because like Fejiro said “once you understand the life you could have you will never want to settle for less” and I felt that. I never really understood the life that I wanted, and never took the time to understand my true sexuality, rather I focused on staying out of gossip and impressing the world.
Fejiro agreed we will be friends, great friends she said and in the future, she might be able to match make me with people who are sexually and emotionally attracted to my “kind of queer” and she assured me that I would find the happiness I deserve soon.
We had moments of long silence but I understood that she doesn’t hate me, she just cannot do the “emotional back and forth” anymore.
That conversation changed things for us and prompted me to start reading and researching Bisexuality and I was thrilled by my findings. Fejiro would send me random Tiktok videos and memes in her bid of helping me learn and before I knew it I started considering having conversations with my husband despite my fears.
I did and I was willing to lose it all if he chooses otherwise. I was shocked at how open-minded he was about the conversation the night I brought it up, enough to want to learn too.
Now we have an open marriage and Fejiro is helping me navigate that perfectly. I found the kind of love I want and I am happy at last.