I know you asked for Lesbian stories but I am a gay guy and I have stories too. By the time I was 10 years old, it became clear to everyone around me that I am gay and I paid dearly for it. I was relentlessly raped by men who were supposed to protect me, from my uncles to cousins, neighbours and seniors in school. When I reached senior secondary school I was sent to an “all-boys” school because my parents blamed me for being raped all the time. It was my fault because I walked and talked like a girl, by the time I was 14 years I have treated for Fissures 3 times because people didn’t care about lubricants when they decide to rape me.
For a very long time, I resorted to fate and literally avoided people but after I was raped in the “All Boys” school I was sent to my uncle suggested I be sent to the Seminary because according to him, people like me get the special attention we deserve there. My uncle was a priest and for whatever reason, he has always looked out for me since I was a kid. When he is around he would do whatever to ensure I stick with him till he leaves and my parents listen to him when issues have to do with me.
He did all he could to ensure I got into the seminary school and I felt a little relieved. Everyone was nice to me, people stopped to greet me and I started to feel seen, for the first time in my life but there were those who had issues with the way I walk and talk and after I had spent 3semesters I found out my nickname is “Baby girl” I was furious at first but since they didn’t physically hurt me with it I became used to it.
Then we had some “Merge students” who came to study with us from another school but “A” gave me the most attention. He would keep seats for me during mass and at the refectory; soon he became “My Person”. We are from neighbouring states and he is older than me. Before long I found myself falling in love with him but I wasn’t sure he felt the same way. I went out of my way to reciprocate the attention he gave me but the gossip kinda got to him soon enough. You see, I was the “Gay guy” on campus and he didn’t want to be branded in the Seminary (Once that happens it puts you in an unfavourable box) “A” began to withdraw from me intentionally but would always invite me to his room during free times or he would come to mine, all students have rooms to themselves as it is a small school.
After my birthday (which was the best birthday I felt the most love in my entire life) I went to thank “A” for outdoing himself for my birthday. He gave one of the Chefs money to buy cake, bought me gifts and made sure I got a small celebration during the evening mass. It was too good to be real for me. I had never had a birthday party and “A” made sure I got one, he made me feel important, seen, and appreciated and I took a big chunk of cake to thank him but he had more waiting for me.
I walked into the most beautiful room I have ever been in. “A” had candles and flowers everywhere, waiting for me and as soon as I walked in I gasped in awe, he out did himself but he held my hands and pulled me into the room, held me to dance and told me he loved me, and I felt loved. He made me vulnerable, worth it and important. These are some of the things I don’t get to feel even with my family but I felt like “A” sees me and knows when I’m not in the midst. I love that.
That day I too told him I’ve had feelings for him for quite a while, and it felt good to fall in love for the first time with someone who also loved you. “A” and I became inseparable on campus, some even call us the “Best couple” and we didn’t give a care in the world until the day the Rector sent for the both of us. It was normal to be summoned by management but for two people to be summoned at the same time is usually the scare. We both became scared when we saw each other in the corridor. “Do you know why we are being summoned?” “A” asked me as I wiped sweat off my palm with my white handkerchief and forehead. We both knew we were in trouble but we didn’t know what for. Soon the secretary ushered into the “Throne room” as the students call the Rectors office.
“Have a seat gentlemen” said the Rector and with that, we both sat on the chairs opposite his table.
“I know you are worried about why you are called but I just needed to confirm things from both of you” Before he finished with that two lecturers who are also priests came into the office and sat, The Dean of Students and HOD of my Department. I realised then that it is either we remain students at the end of this meeting or we get expelled.
“So I heard rumours and need you two to be as honest with me as possible as I am not here to judge but to be your guide on different issues, including amorous ones so I will ask once to save us all time. Is it true that you both are in an amorous relationship? and I need you both to confirm that”
We didn’t hesitate before we both denied it. With that, the Dean pulled out his phone from his soutane and handed it to “A”. He broke down in tears before handing the phone to me to see. It was a picture of us taken from my room window.
“What you both are doing on campus is unacceptable and the Board has decided that you both lack the values needed to be students of this noble and glorious institution therefore, I have been instructed by the Superior of the Seminary to inform you both of your expulsion”.
My life shattered before my eyes. We had a week to leave and I went day and night processing a way to get pardon, even if just for him so I called for an appeal and after a rigorous back and forth got pardon for “A” I took the blame, said I kissed him and he was allowed to stay and since he is not an original student of the seminary but there as a “Merge Student” my appeal was considered. “A” remained in school and I packed and left. I was lost for a while, actually for a long while. Home became unbearable and I had all manner of depressing thoughts going on in my head day and night but my other friends in the Seminary came through for me. They helped me get good accommodation and a job (one of the best parts of being expelled from the seminary is that people tend to come through for you because they did for me). I just existed for a very long time, floating through life but of all things gone wrong I miss Him, the only man that touched the very fibre of my heart.
I missed seeing him every day and living in the same space as him but we found ways to stay in touch even though he had to be sneaky about it. I stayed in the city because of him and he dropped by when he could. We got to have sex for the first time and it was better than a boy like me could ask for, he was thoughtful and gentle and made sure I got satisfaction, I had never had that before. After a few visits he couldn’t keep up because he was always scared someone will follow him and he wants to become a priest by any means, his whole family and town are waiting on that and he doesn’t want to disappoint anybody, I envied him a bit and wished anyone could look up to me and expect anything from me.
My parents hissed when I told them I was expelled and my father said he knew the reason “Your nyash never stop to dey itch you abi?” He said and that was the last time they reached out to me but it didn’t feel like a rejection at all. They need their space from the failure that I am and I from the bad energy they bring me.
After 6 months I left the seminary “A” stopped picking my calls and only spoke to me whenever he wanted to then gradually the man that looked at me with love became a stranger, my stranger but I still loved him. He started to sneak in on his way to errands or free days for sex. He stopped checking in, stopped talking literally, and then I confronted him and he was non-challant about the topic. He told me to my face he is not doing “this gay shit anymore” but he stopped by as often as he could for sex and afterwards treats me like a sex worker he just met, I hurt for a bit but past events has prepared me to keep moving and not dwell even though that didn’t take away the pains, it helped know I expected too much from him.
I left town and moved to another city and the last I saw or heard of “A” was on his ordination day, I was happy for him but was also sad that I wasn’t among them but I think good things are reserved for some people. I’m not doing badly right now even though I would have wanted a different life. I know life has been hard but there is a reason I am still standing so I will keep living to find my purpose and if love comes while at it I’ll appreciate it but if not then life goes on.
I just do not want to keep seeing myself in the light people do, there is more to my existence than a world that judges me by how I appear and want to treat me according to their mental constructs. I look forward to my future despite not knowing what it holds for me but am I even supposed to know?